i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize