you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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