You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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