pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
me + whiskey = a bad person
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize