you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
