i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
