I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
