After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
