don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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