May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
