If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize