Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
