Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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