I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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