so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
