my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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