Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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