We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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