I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize