if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
