Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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