So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
