I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
