alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
