A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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