Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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