I faked an abortion last night.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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