mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I need moral support for this bender
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
