bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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