Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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