i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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