I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
