i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
