I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
