im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
