Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
