The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
