when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
