I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
