dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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