The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
