Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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