Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
