allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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