So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Still dying that you shit outside
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
