I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize