I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
