Fuck appropriateness.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
