tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
