my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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