The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
