Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's always time for handjobs
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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