i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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