I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
