my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
