marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
