listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
