I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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