god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Randomize
