You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
