On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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