you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
