i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
