Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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