she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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