She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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