i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
